I long to bleed with the moon...

My body has been taken over, and I finally have a culprit in mind. I've been getting shots in my back, steroids, to try and help with pain. I think these shots, of which there have been two, have interrupted my flow.

Twice now I have spotted for three weeks, starting when my period is due. Then had more normal bleeding for three days the first time, and five this last time. Almost two months of bleeding in just over 10 weeks time. My body and the moon have lost their amazing connection. It has been severed and I long for it to come together again. I long to know my body again. I may have taken it for granted before, but I no longer will.

So I will get no more shots. I will stretch more, take pain medication when I really need it, and just try to get back to life. Let my body relearn itself. Find out which phase of the moon will pull my body now. Will I bleed when the moon is waning, as I had been? Will it be full?


I know without the cycles I wait impatiently for I will never have that which I most want.

Still here...

Still waiting. Had the most unusual cycle last cycle. Over 3 weeks of very light bleeding/spotting.

Doctor gave me progesterone to "regulate" it, and it's still sitting on top of my fridge. The bleeding stopped shortly after the doctors visit and I didn't want to take anything I didn't need to. If I don't bleed normally this cycle I'll probably take it.

I think I just didn't ovulate, or ovulated late, because of having H1N1 right around O time. Should get back to normal this time.

So, I'm not really focusing on TTC at all right now. With my spine, and Chris' health stuff, as well as losing my job from having H1N1, and trying to find a new one, and trying to find a way back into school...

Yeah. Lots of other things going on and distracting me. Hopefully I'll stay distracted. There are plenty of other things to be stressed and sad about.

Sometimes I'm a bit masochistic...

I just watched MTV's "16 and pregnant."

It's weird pitying someone while being so very jealous.

Some time and some place...

I have no idea where I am in my cycle. My body isn't issuing the normal hints. I think it knows better right now. I have no desire to think about what ifs, to try this, or try that.

I may be an intensely emotional person, but I can find logic. Logic is this...

My husband and I will never have kids.

No matter what I long for, how many books I read, all the different old and new "this worked for..."
I've tried them. It's been done.

It's been two years now since the doctor told us that we had no chance. Two years I have been fighting it, trying to find some way to prove him wrong, to prove that nature knows better than that.

I've been fighting, and I'm tired. And I know. I know I will never be a mom. I knew it in the office that day, but I fought for two years not to believe it.

I will always be aunt.

Sorrow fills me as I right this. Up to the brim, like the closet stuffed with all the baby stuff collected over the years.

What to do with that stuff now? Donate it? Is it wrong I can't stand to think of anyone else having it?

Is it wrong that I feel like less of a woman somehow? Although in all honesty the "problem" has nothing to do with me.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard "it only takes one" I'd be able to afford the expensive procedures that would be necessary to knock me up.

It doesn't take just one. Yes, only one fertilizes it, but it takes more than a million with health and speed... and a whole lot of luck, just to get that one there.

So...

I will never be a mom.

And I have no idea what to do now.

Yeah...

A 30 day cycle. Wow. Sometimes I hate this so much I can't even form the words.


How do you make yourself care about anything when you know that you will never get the one thing you want most?

I need a distraction....

Dear AF,

If you are indeed coming, must you be late? I'd much prefer, that if you must make an appearance, that it be an early one... thus I don't drive myself completely insane.

Thank you.

Stirrings in my mind...

So my husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary this past weekend.

Five years. Really. And it seems like more, and less. We had a grand time, spending time together, cooking. He's really more of a cook than I am. I love baking, but cooking is fun if it's experimental. We made a lovely little sauce to go with our broiled steaks. If the weather had been "better" we could have grilled, but I tend to like my weather gray anyway.

And yes, this has little to do with babies, or the lack there of. But I couldn't help but thinking how I O'd on Saturday... our anniversary. And I should bleed on my birthday this year. And what a present it would be if the blood never came.

But I shouldn't think such things... they lead to hope, and hope is a dangerous things... especially for us infertile folk.


But still i hold out hope for this year. Nine has always been a special number for me. I've always liked 3, 6 and 9... but 9 is best of all because it is 3 time 3...

Yes, I am a rambling crazy woman. So good of you to notice...